The Wing Man
by Ophelia Joane
Summary: The best wing mans in the world are phoenixes, everyone knew that.


_Written for the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition by Beater 1 of the Appleby Arrows._

 _Prompts: (word) soul_  
 _(dialogue) "I'll survive. I always do."_  
 _(word) obliterate_

 **Disclaimer: I do not own anything recognizable.**

* * *

During my thousands of years living and dying and being reborn, I had seen many humans make many mistakes. Some of them small and some of them incredibly huge.

All of them were because of love.

As the only phoenix in the world (at least that I knew of) there was no one left for me to fall in love with. I had no love life. So, of course, the only option I was left with was meddling with other people's love lives.

And not once had I been successful.

Merlin and Morgana? Deadly. Helena Ravenclaw and the Bloody Baron? That one actually ended in death. Dumbledore and McGonagall? Turns out he played for the other team.

But throughout all the failed relationships I had a hand in, I still thought I could be the perfect wing man.

So here I was, sitting in the Headmaster's office at Hogwarts where I had been for a very, very long time, listening to the newly appointed Headmaster, Neville Longbottom rant.

"How could she do this to me? I can't handle this right now."

To understand what Neville was so upset about you'd have to know that just a few minutes earlier one of his friends had come in to talk to him.

 _*Four minutes earlier*_

"Hey, Neville," the bushy haired brunette said as she walked into his office.

"Hermione, hey it's great that you're here, I actually would love to get your thoughts on something -"

"That's nice Neville, but I'm actually here because -"

"Oh no, not you too!"

Hermione raised her hands in defense. "Hear me out! She's incredibly sweet, I think you'd really, really like her."

Neville shook his head and then rubbed his forehead. "Look, I really appreciate all of you guys trying to find me a girl to fall in love with, but this is getting ridiculous. A man can only go on so many failed dates before he starts to lose hope."

That's when I started to catch interest. So he was trying to find the love of his life? Someone who understood his soul? I could make this happen, I knew I could.

"But it's different this time!"

"That's what Harry said the last time you guys tried to set me up with someone. It's not gonna work, it never does."

"Neville, we just don't want you to be lonely. What with all of your friends being married -"

"Well, I don't know about all of them..."

"-And James being married, heck even my own daughter is engaged before you!"

"Alright, alright I get it. But I need you guys to know that I don't need to be in a relationship. I'm happy being alone. I'll survive. I always do."

"Doesn't matter, you are going on a date with this girl, tonight. No arguments." Hermione turned and walked out leaving a disgruntled Neville behind.

"But, Hermione!" Neville yelled, but she didn't answer. "Merlin!"

And that brought us to the very moment that would change Neville's life forever.

"How could she do this to me? I can't handle this right now."

I squawked in disagreement and Neville looked up at me. "What, now you're in on this?"

I squawked again, annoyed that I wasn't able to make speak English.

"Oh, why not just go obliterate yourself!"

I kept on squawking and Neville started yelling. This went on until Neville turned so red he resembled a remembrall.

"I am not going out on a date just to make a fool out of myself!"

I looked at Neville and tilted my head. He had to take this chance, I would kill to find another phoenix out there to fall in love with. Humans didn't know how lucky they were. To think that there were billions of people out there it was almost impossible to not find someone you could spend the rest of your life with.

"Don't look at me like that," Neville said to me, breaking me out of my reverie. "Merlin, what am I even doing? I'm talking to a phoenix for goodness sake!"

He was right, he was talking to a phoenix. But phoenixes were good at three things: being reincarnated, healing others with their tears, and being a great listener. So I did what I thought was comforting. I flew over to Neville and perched on his shoulder and bristled my feathers.

Neville sighed. "Okay, you're right. I'll just go on the darn date. What could go wrong?"

Actually, there were a lot of things that could go wrong, but I was hoping he wouldn't think about them.

"Well... I could splinch myself by apparating there, so maybe I should floo over... unless somehow I caught fire, so maybe I should walk... but Diagon Alley is so far away, it would take about a month to get there... And don't get me even started on the disasters that could happen on the date..."

If phoenixes could roll their eyes, I totally would. Instead, I squawked. Again.

"Ah, okay! I won't think about what will - I mean might go wrong. It'll be fine. Merlin, I'm Headmaster of Hogwarts! If I can't go on a simple date with a sweet woman, then what can I do?" Neville started pacing back and forth, making me unbalanced and having to fly off his shoulder and over to the bookshelf.

After a few minutes Neville stopped and turned to me. "I'll go. And if for some reason it all turns out well, you can be my best man at the wedding."

After that he left and when he came back a few hours later, he had the biggest smile on his face that I had ever seen.

I knew I was a great wing man and soon I would be a best man.


End file.
